Bizarre Adventurous Adversities for the Sake of Imperial Absurdity
by Vilia Xiloufin
Summary: A parody inspired by CHR, beware if you value your sanity. Warhammer 40k x HP X Pokemon X Yu-Gi-Oh x Jojo's Bizarre adventure x Forgotten Realms x Fullmetal x other stuff
1. BADASS TA PWN TaFF

Title: Bizarre Adventurous Diverse Adversities for the Sake of imperial abSurdity: The Abrifidgety PokéMonstrous sWordplayful Not-at-all Trans(A)gressive FFantasy (BADASS TA PWN TaFF)

Description: Exactly What It Says on The Tin. Rather Shaped Like Itself, really. Still, Covers Always Lie, but you shouldn't check it out for yourself. You should value your sanity, I wouldn't want anyone to go BSOD because of me, right? Let sleeping Cthulhu sleep.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is just for fun. Just a parody.

The enormous, dark, grim ship jumped through the warp and landed... in 13th century Europe. A marines squadron exited the ship, guns and swords in hands, with a cheerful and fearful chant on their lips. "All hail the Emperoooor"- that's what they said. Simple folk gathered around their vehicle, with awed expressions on their faces. "Saveth us, saveth us all! There are ill magicks at work near our town!"- they called to the marines. "How can we know that you're not allied with the heretics?"said The commander. "Oh please, we are innocent! We saw weird lights near the castle called Hogwarts! Please executeth the wrong doers, our children cannot sleep at night!" -"Oh, that is a dire crime indeed. We shall buurrrrn the witches in the name of the Emperooooor!"

The commander rallied his group forward and they arrived at Hogwarts faster than any train or floo powder or portkey, because the Emperor's power was with them! They broke down all the doors that were insolent enough to block their way, their over-sized guns and fists doing all the work. And so they arrived at a very vile and heretic scene: Harry Potter and his minions, Ron and Hermione were having an epic final showdown with Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. The marines pulled their triggers and shot down everything in the area. "Surrender in the name of the EMPEROOR"- shouted the commander afterwards. Harry, Ron and Hermione rolled (a critical success in Dodge) away in time and survived, therefore they were able to answer. "Oh why did you do this,we're the good guys"- "Unauthorized use of psychic powers is HERESY! We must take you down. The villagers demand that you be burrrned, then so be it!" - the marines cried out in unison. And what they had said, they did. They took the wriggling children to their demise by the hands of the simple folk. They watched the execution with satisfaction, and then they left.

On their way to wherever they were going, they met Hamtaro playing "Magic: The Gathering" with Yugi Mutou. It was Yami Yugi's turn now, and with every card he played, he explained its effect very thoroughly, even though it was all written on the cards. "Come on, play with us" said the bored Hamtaro to the marines. The commander accepted the challenge, and his subordinates cheered him on. "OK, you can play, but if you lose, I will take your soul"- said Yami "No, that's boring, and I'm hungry, I'll just eat him instead"- replied Hamtaro with sparkling eyes. - " I'm not happy with that idea, I want to mind-crush someone "- "Then go and to it to yourself quietly in the corner"- "You know, for a while I forgot I had two souls in my body, yes, I shall do what you say." Yugi left and sat quietly in a corner, with his eyes blank and his mouth drooling. The marine paid no attention to the two's bickering and drew his cards, then he almost won, but before he could deal the finishing move, Hamtaro transformed – his belly opened and a bloody excited Alien creature exited from Hamtaro's little, cute, sweet body. The Alien was quick, and ate the commander in one swift move.

Then the commander woke up in his ship, and he was forced to relive the last 48 hours of his life again and again and again, and he got killed by Hamtaro and other Alien-Hamsters every effing time. Finally, after 158 iterations. instead of trying to kill everything, he consulted his subordinates and some villagers, and he came to a conclusion, that he must find the Head alien and kill it. The villagers suggested that it had to be the Morphine Nyanpire Cat. In the end, It turned out that their enemies were alien-animal-vampires all along. They impaled the poor sweet cat, and victoriously cried out "All HAIL THE EMPEROOORR".

But in this beautiful moment, they were approached by Satan, (who was secretly Tzeentch) who said in his satin-like voice: "You have achieved a lot, brave marines, but what about your happiness? You should try something different than cutting down infidels and heretics all the time." Suddenly, this idea seemed so tempting, that the marines threw away their big weapons, bought wooden ships and became sailors in sailorfuku. Also pirates. Yarharhar. They had a girl in every port. One girl for the whole squadron. They really enjoyed being a reverse harem, so they founded the very first Host Club on Earth. Everyday the marines-hosts-piratefuku had a 1000 cumstomeresses( that's how they called them). To each one they said: " Feel pleasure... in the name of the EMPERROORR" and then the girls screamed in pleasure. Later on, they hired some help: Edward and Alphonse Elric, who were tech-priests. They mechanical bodies had a lot of interesting functions and capabilities, that fact was very appreciated among the girls. Actually, The Elric brothers were so efficient that the marines decided to leave the Host Club to them, and they erm, barked yet on another adventure. Or rather, they embarked. On a bizarre adventure. Actually, on J_ 's Bizarre Adventure.

They flew to Egypt and there they met the dog Iggy, the coffee-flavored chewing gum devourer, who led them to fight against the evil heretic vampire Dio. Of course, Dio had friends, not only all the Tarot card-Stands and conventional Egyptian Gods-Stands. His charisma was such that it broke down worlds and Bakura Ryou and Yami Marik joined Dio's side, as his concubines. That's because they were sexier than any girl ever alive on this planet. Bakura's Stand was, of course, Diabound, and Marik's was Slifer. So, the heroic marines faced the evil villains before Jojo and his team even found the location of Dio's mansion. The marines fought with their blazing swords and sharp guns, making a lot of noise and calling their attacks, and they found out that Za Warudo, Diabound and Slifer and their masters were worthy opponents.

When both parties became tired, Joseph Joestar came in and proposed a friendly game of Pokemon. He even brought gameboys and wires with him, that was so thoughtful of him. Everyone agreed, and they became so interested in the game, that it swallowed them up and everyone teleported to Pallet town. Joseph Joestar laughed -"Ahhahhah OH YES gotcha! it was my plan all along, to trap you in my world, Dio and marines! now you have to play by my rules!"- then Joseph took out a lab coat and put it on. "In this world i'm called... PROFFESOR OAK!" Everyone stared at Joseph Oak in shock and bewilderment. "Now"- JoOak addressed the marines commander -"are you a boy, or are you a girl?" - The marines response was a tough punch in Oakstars face. But JoOak blocked it with his hamon-moves! "Judging by the strength of your punches, you are a girl. From now on, dear commander, you will be called Marina" -"Noo, I wanted that name!" cried Marik, who changed back to his normal self. Dio shrugged indifferently and went off to become Diovanni, the boss of Team Rocket. Bakura facepalmed, and calmly chose his starter pokemon (Squirtle), afterwards he ran off to become the most renowned freelance pokemon-thief of the whole universe. Marina chose Charmander, because (it was so charming) It could be used as a flamethrower. Marik was perfectly happy with his Bulbasaur. Then Marik changed to his Yami self again, and laughed evilly. -"WITH THIS BULBASAUR, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE ON THE PHARAOH... (wait, there's no pharaoh here) then ON THE EMPEROR AND KILL HIM AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" -with those words he declared war on marines and became Marina's eternal rival...not so eternal, because loud shouting annoyed Charmander and it tackled Bulbasaur and then the grass pokemon fainted. Oakstar called a poke-ambulance which took away the heart-broken Marik and his (pathetic) pitiful Bulbasaur. Finally, Marina and her/his squadron were free of all hindrances and after taking all the advice from Oakstar they could get, they became trainers "IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROOOR!". They burned down all the grass, and no longer had to search for pokemon because Pokemon came to them, to get slaughtered and caught as (love slaves) war slaves. All gym leaders cowered in fear when they caught even a glimpse of Marina and her/his unbeatable squadron. Those who dared to complain -"that's cheating, battles should be fought one on one" -were cut down, burned and their ashes were scattered and fed to Pokemon IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROOR. Finally Marina and her squadron caught the most powerful pokemon in the world, Sonic, which caught Mario's attention. Mario was very annoyed, and gave everyone mushrooms concealed to look like quest awards. Marina and the marines ate them all, and suddenly they woke up in Waterdeep in a tavern named Yawning Portal. They were witnesses to a drow-female trying to steal all their items. They squashed her like a bug IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROOR. Marina found out that she thankfully stopped being a girl and changed her/his name back to Commander. Then the Marines walked down the stairs, looting everything they saw, and arrived at the common room. There they were given a quest by Durnan, but then Elminster entered, together with Driizzt, and interrupted the quest-giving-moment. Elminster was secretly Gandalf, Merlin, and Dumbledore, and also the founder of the Tohsaka clan and one of the Holy Grail Wars inventors. As Dumbledore, he wanted to take revenge on the marines, because they killed his one true love- lord Yolodemort, who was secretly gay. But Dumbledore was clever like Merlin and Elminster combined, whom he actually was, so he developed a complicated plot to get rid of the Marines. He said- "The mariones should form a party together with Driizzt and descend into the Undermountain" (and become his marionettes)and become heroes." (Have I mentioned that Elminster was also Halaster? See, even their names are similar). Then it turned out that the supposed portal to Undermountain malfunctioned and Drizzt and the marines were forcefully televiported to Fuyuki City, where Ryuuko Matoi acted as the Matou family representative, and she had two Servants int the Grail War: her blood-eating-talking-seifuku and a big Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. Drizzt, as a magical being, ended up as Commander's/Marina's servant, Saber. The Marine's won the war in 10 milliseconds IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROOR and they claimed the Grail and unleashed it's power upon the world.

Their greatest wish came true, which was to eradicate all heretics, but it turned out that the Grail interpreted it as "everyone who ever had even one heretic thought", therefore all living beings were absorbed by the Warp. The world has ended, and the marines survived as the solitary guardian gods over the Abyss once called Earth. They got bored with ruling over nothingness IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR so they turned back time and made a contest, with their godhood as a prize. They chose 12 worthy contestants and gave them ultra-technologically advanced DAIRY Diaries, capable of predicting the future. Then they forced the contestants to kill each other IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROOR. They let Yuno the Yandere win, then mind-scraped her and made her believe in THE WORD OF THE EMPEROOR. She became a good queen and a good goddess. All the marines married her, and together they fought to make the world a better place, free of atrocious demons and magicks and heresies.

THE END


	2. Fullmoffu Metalopanic Alchemy

** Fullmoffu Metalopanic Alchemy**

**Description: The disturbing tale about how and why Ed&amp;Al ended up as a tech-priest and his servitor, employed in a (marinade marine marauder) marines host club situated in not-so-medieval Europe.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I have nothing, for I am but a mere beggar solely seeking entertainment.**

Edward, together with Al, attempted the forbidden alchemy: Human transmutation! They were severely punished for this heretic act. After the failed experiment, they approached the Gate of Truth, which led to the Domain of the God of Humanity- the Emperor of Mankind. Suddenly the Gate opened. They passed through it. Afterwards, after a lot of excruciating pain, Edward woke up as a soul bound to his severed arm and leg, with his brother's soulless empty husk of a body lying nearby. Ed wasn't able to make out any of their surroundings, since he had no eyes at the moment. Or ears. Or anything. How was he even alive? - When that realization came, he passed out.

When he woke up, he had a mechanical body, with his original organic hand and leg attached to it. Hid brother was beside him, turned into a robotic body with a big gun and wheels and wires and robotic stuff, with blank eyes and an attached plate with the sequence "41ÞH0NS331R1C" written on it. When Ed saw this, a muffled scream came out of his throat. It felt awkward, as if it wasn't his body. Because it wasn't his body, duh. "Servitor 41ÞH0NS331R1C is to your service, master Tech-priest"- replied AI. -"where are we"- "in a ship"- "where is this ship?" "in the void"- Ed sighed heavily, or at least he tried, it came out like a trains wheezing. In the cold, grim, depressing metal wall a door suddenly appeared. A fluffy, cute, maroon, friendly mascot Bonta-kun came in, with a big gun and a venflon kevlar vest.-"Fumo fumo fumoffu!" It said, and gestured to Ed&amp;Al that they should come with it. They followed, with bewildered cybernetic expressions on their reshaped fullmetal faces. They walked through the maze of dark corridors for a long time, when they finally reached the Chamber of Secrets, where an evil Silk Basil dwelled. "How was it able to grow in a place like this, with insufficient light?" wondered Ed. Apparently the Basil ignored the laws of nature, or simply they didn't exist beyond The Gate, who knows? Maybe the sky disappeared and the sun didn't even exist anymore? "Fumoffu"- said Bonta-kun, and then more Bonta-kuns entered, with gray fur instead of maroon. "I HAVE A MISSION FOR YOU, IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!" said the Basil. -"Whaaaaat"-"fumo!"-" YOU SHALL JOIN THE INQUISITORIAL EFFORT AND GOURDED BY THE UNDERCOVER FUMOFFU AGENTS YOU WILL EXTERMINATE ALL HERETICS IN A CERTAIN PORTION OF TIME AND SPICE. This shall be your eternal punishment for breaking the universal rules of the universe!"-"But I have no gourds, and I've never been in Gurd, and I get it that since you're a basil you think that spices are important but I'm no good at gourmet and you're using tautologies ….. and WTH? I'm just a kid!"-""do nuit argue with me child! You're nuit a child,since you know words such as WTH, child! And also, do nuit forge the philosophers stone! I need you to binge it to me! And do not offend me, I am no simple basil, I am a basil lich!"- then the Basil shed it's slough slowly, to revel in revealing it's true shape: a demi-dracolich! When the fumoffu agents- Bonta-kuns saw what was happening, they disabled their camouflage options to reveal Ultramarine Power Armour! "Demon! Heresy! You deceived us, die IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!" Then the Dracolich cast Planeshift on himself and disappeared, his last words were:" Furfill my diamonds! I will find you, pampers, wherever you goo, Elric brothers. MUAHAHAAAHAHA." "What a nutty basilisk"- thought Ed. "A faulty translation program"-thought Al's AI. The marines ran quickly to their emergency ship and flew away in pursuit.

We already know what became of them from the previous story, so let's focus on Ed&amp;Al's fate.

**T.B.C. soon**

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End file.
